After three days of feeling more run down than usual, I woke up early Monday with the now too overwhelming sensation in my body that a seizure was coming. Seconds after standing up from getting out of bed, it started. & I was in a state of ill until 3AM..when the pain/nausea got so severe I couldn’t handle it anymore. This time we were lucky. It wasn’t busy, and I got my medicine so quickly…I’m pretty positive it was under 5 minutes. & the doctor was kind enough to NOT poke me in the abdomen during such time!..instead, seeing me after the medicine kicked in. He was doing the very best he could to get me back on my feet without any delay or issues. And he did. (:

I saw my beloved Alicia last Friday!!<3 it has been nearly 3 months since last seeing her, and being that she’s my best friend, that’s a pretty horrible track record. [I’m sorrrryyy!! my body is so good at ruining plans/holidays.] But in a few hours of hanging out in my room, she brightened my spirits, inspired a room change, and gave me ideas for clothing to work on. :D I missed her company so much..she’s just one of those people that you can’t help but gravitate towards and want to hang out with. I’m excited because we’re planning on actually hanging out this summer, crafting, sewing, shooting, adventuring. & body willing, she’ll help me decorate my new bedroom as well as dye my hair some cotton candy colors next week.

Six days after, my family and I were changing my bedroom around the way Alicia had mentioned..and it was perfection! I can’t wait til we can afford some real furniture  [desk/sewing table/vanity] to complete it. Currently my room is in a shambles because I thought it would be a fantastic idea to clean out my closet and dresser(s)  at the same time. That was dumb. I made myself so exhausted I couldn’t even get half way done. Boxes of trinkets, little hats, about 12 wigs, and a whole lot of scrap-booking material are covering my ‘table’ and floor right now. It’s daunting to look at; but I’m going to use the chance to photograph my room as well as certain items for tumblr. I’ve had some people ask questions that I will answer in photographs. (:

I have to take breaks in between doing anything..I go out to the store, and I have to take an entire day to sleep after to heal. I see friends, and I have to take a week or so before I can try to do anything. But when I do feel good and have those random little moments, I do as much as possible- and that’s what I’ve done this past week on my random few days. I went through my photos, realizing I have got to upload more images. I’m a photo hoarder. I must share so I can begin again. If that makes sense. I visited old times through old photos, and stared revamping + adding images to my portfolio.

My grandmother fell on March 30th. She refused to go to the hospital. I’m so worried about her. \: She’s 82. She can’t keep falling on her head and face. I hate thinking about it. hate it. so. I’m moving on. I was able to see lubbs yesterday. All we did was sit and watch movies/talk, but it was comforting and gave me some confidence knowing I CAN see friends for a few hours. I missed human contact and conversation!

I most miss photographing/modeling. I went from a full-time job behind the camera, to no job. not even shooting friends for fun. [My models are all gone, I need new ones!] and I’m trying to save up for a camera when I don’t even have $5 left over at the end of the month sometimes. This may take awhile.

I haven’t slept in about 30 hours so my eyes are actually starting to close on me. I believe it is time I stop all this typing [that I doubt anyone read..but if you did you ROCK] and go to a cuddly sleep with my two lovely pups.

Love.heart.Clarabellafaire.

well it seems so.

I spend most of my time in bed watching movies, the beautiful science channel, and cutting up magazines/books to create some sort of mixed media art some time down the road.

I usually only get out of the house to see my doctors. My favorite time of all is when I see my acupuncturist. She’s SO incredible..riki, and energy work..it’s all so healthy for your body, and it works better than any medicine, especially pain med..I’ve ever been prescribed. I wish I could work with her everyday, because I know I’d be better in no time at all..since seeing her, I’ve been in less pain and less epileptic episodes.  I don’t know how she does it, but I’m so glad she does!

But sadly, I ended up in the Emergency Room yesterday, on Thanksgiving of course! It was an extremely bad episode, and I wound up with a Doctor that was heartless, unworthy of that job, as well as not even helping me. They apparently thought I was someone else, placing a different name/birth date in the computer, and she sent me home in the same condition I was in when I arrived. :|

So without question I wound up there again this morning..retching so loudly I cleared out the room..hahaha. :x This time, I was taken care of by one of the best nurses there, who somehow took the pain away with two bags of saline and one dose of pain meds..usually it takes at least 3 doses or so. It was awesome! I left and was more talkative and bouncy and refreshed than in a long time. Only problem is a killer headache..that I’m still dealing with right now. Headaches are such strange things.

On a happy note..my birthday is sooooon! On the 30th! I shall be 24. And hope it’s a year of health and many many photos taken as well as photographers to work for. I need art in my life again, there’s this emotional loss without it, that ends up physically draining, and holding that camera, or being in front of it, makes me euphoric…healthy feeling. So, If any of you would like to work with me please let me know! I’d love it. <3

I had an overwhelming urge for coffee yesterday morning, and totally forgetting it’s a trigger for my C.V.S. episodes, I chucked it down with some pancakes. Not too long after, I was doubled over in throbbing pain and sick to my stomach. It was too rough to manage myself, so I had to go to the ER, AGAIN. That’s what..the 3rd/4th time THIS MONTH?! *le sigh* I can’t wait til I have the proper medical regimen down so I never have to go there again. I’m a tough cookie, but tough cookies can only take so much, you know? At times it feels this will never end. Other times, it seems like health is right around the corner. Such a tease!

Following song fits perfectly—

“I’m not sure what’s worse
The waiting or the waiting room
“You’re next sir” becomes a cruel taunt to you
recycled air, the smell of sleep and disinfectant
Your night nurse is a two door elevator

Do they even cure you
(cut me open drug me)
Or is it just to humor us before we die
(repair all my defects)
If only we could heal ourselves
We wouldn’t.. need to be hooked up to these machines

Let’s redefine
What it means to heal”

-Alexisonfire: Accidents

Well not really. It’s this damn “mystery illness” which isn’t so much a mystery but a PAINNN IN MY RUMP. If you told me in April 2008 I’d still be sick April 2011, I’d laugh in your face and call you a donkey. And then cry.

Due to insurance sucking my pretty lips red (I don’t know what that means, I’m hopped up on pain killers right now), two critical medications I’m on were overdue sending my body into the worst pain yet. (I feel like I say that every time) Not an exaggeration when I say it feels like acid is leaking inside & all through out my guts. SO awful. Even worse was the fact I had no food in my system, leaving me to ..excuse me for getting gross, vomit something that looked like antifreeze. It was actually almost pretty, for a disgusting bodily fluid and my least favorite…second to least favorite..bodily function.

I ended up having to suck it up and go to the ER this morning. NOT happy, thinking that I’d be waiting for an hour in the waiting area, then another in the back room. I love being proved wrong- the very second we entered those hospital doors, there was a wheelchair waiting for me, and it swiftly brought me back to a room. No wait. No hassle. The IV was in my arm within minutes, and I saw the doctor in about 15. I don’t even think the Queen of England could get such amazing service!  I was out in 3 hours (minimum time is at least 4 per patient)..so epic. To elaborate, I was so excited that they were helping me so quickly and being so nice that I didn’t mind the pain and antifreeze vomit. The best part was it didn’t take as many doses of meds I thought it would for such intense pain. I was actually tightening my ab muscles in an attempt to ease the pain, only adding burning exercise type burn as well. (silly)

I miss photographing. Modeling. Editing. Stocking. Nurses and Doctors I don’t even remember, know of me and my work leaving me speechless and flattered and missing new updates. My websites are so boring and all the photos are so old. My brain is going in a totally new direction, leaving me unhappy with about 60% of my old work. I’m too much of a perfectionist. If I wasn’t, I’d probably have more work online. I’m working on that though. Making up for lost times and too many ill nights. I have a tonnnn *and I mean that* of photos that need to see the light of the internet…if only to spiffy up my websites.

On a different note, if you’re a tea/coffee lover, invest in the Keuirg. I own this one, and it’s made me a total coffee addict. I love the fact Celestial tea has K-cups for the brewing systems..they have some of the most delicious flavors.